This is the cover for the fanfiction I am working on right now! And because you're all so awesome, here's the full first chapter! Enjoy, and put your thoughts in the comments! The actual story is going to be much longer, and will continue on from where this chapter ends.
Oh, I hope he takes me to the park, I thought. There were lots of good things to do at the park. I met lots of dogs there. They’re all my friends even though they attack me sometimes. Master throws bones for me; I always catch them and he gives me a treat after. Today he put me in the carriage that he uses to take me to the park. I lay down on my comfy cushion in the back of the carriage.
Next to me was my sister Lily, and next to her were my brothers Tom and Poochie. Tom barked at me. I lowered my head, and so did the others. He reached his head towards me, and grabbed my cushion. Laying the cushion below him, he let out a small grunt ordering me to stop looking at him. He may have been mean to me, but I still loved him because he was part of my pack.
Poochie was very large, but Tom was bigger. I was the smallest of the litter, the runt. Tom had a big black stripe running down his nose, and a dark spot on his back
My Master didn’t seem very happy that day. I tried cheering him up, but he pushed me away. I’ve tried to understand why, but he hasn’t been talking to anyone but the girl pony in the pack. She’s very nice, and she bakes me treats! I love her very much and she’s my second best friend right next to my Master. Just yesterday they found me eating their beds. They hadn’t put any food out for me, so I had to. They weren’t very happy to see me that day.
Today my Master took me on a carriage ride. I really enjoy carriage rides. I always put my head out the window and stick my tongue out. The windows were locked, so I couldn’t. I began to pant in the blistering heat.
Lily started to cuddle me, so I cuddled her back. She’s a very nice sister; she’s not mean to me like my brothers. When I go running in the garden with her we play with our favourite toys! I once caught a bird for her. I ripped into it and took it over to her as a present. She loved it; so I decided to show Master. He didn’t like it, and hit me again.
Poochie growled at me. He never liked it when I went near Lily, so I moved away from her; I didn’t want him to bite me again. Suddenly, he lunged at me and bit hard into my lower leg. I whimpered as pain went through my whole body. Master had to stop the carriage when he saw what was going on. He got out, and walked to the door. Poochie was still biting hard; Lily had long since moved away. Master opened the door, and grabbed Poochie. Moaning, I jumped up and looked out the window. Master was hitting Poochie, and Poochie was kneeling on the floor looking away from him. Poor Poochie, Master’s strikes were the worst.
Master got back in, and so did Poochie. Poochie sat down next to Lily like last time, but this time he had a great big lump on his side. He was whimpering softly, but he would be fine soon. I just knew it.
We kept on going, we were now in an amazing place filled with apple trees! Master had opened the window, so I hung my head out of it. Normally Poochie would’ve stopped me, but he was too busy looking at his wounds. I went over to Lily, and cuddled with her. She let me; she was very shocked and she was shaking.
With a big bang, we stopped. I jumped in fright; I had never liked loud noises. Master got off his seat, and went over to three ponies standing near a big, nice looking, place. They looked very nice, but they didn’t smell very good. I still liked their smell, but it wasn’t as good as other smells. There was a small pony, a bigger pony and an old looking weird pony. They smelt of mud, dirt and sweat. But I could also smell the very nice scent of apples on them; Master always gave me apples. I love apples, I hope they give me some here, the apples smelt like very good apples.
Master started to talk with the three ponies. Then he came back over to the door and opened it, I jumped out. Tom, Poochie and Lily jumped out behind me and Master put a leash on all four of us. He led us to the three ponies. I got a better idea of their smell.
The small orange one smelt really, really nice. She smelt like the perfume the female pony puts on, maybe she had some on herself! But, the smell was a bit dull so it must have been put on a few days before. From the smell of the other two, I didn’t think it had been put on while she was here.
The big pony mostly smelt of sweat, like the smell Master had when he comes home everyday. He had a weird thing around his neck that smelt like wood and dirt. His hooves smelt really bad, I didn’t want to know what sort of stuff he’d been stepping in.
The old weird pony smelt exactly that, old and weird. She smelt like mothballs and sour apples. I didn’t like her smell; I don’t think my brothers and sister liked it either. I tried to walk closer to the small pony, but Master pulled back on my leash sending me flying back towards my brothers. I crashed into them, it really hurt. Whining, I managed to get onto my paws and get back in line with my siblings. We stood there for a long time, until finally the old pony started to walk towards us.
She trotted up and down, looking really closely at all of us. I started to pant, and I really wanted a drink. I also started to wag my tail. I love it when a pony comes and looks at me; especially if they’re smiling!
She went over to Master and gave him some really shiny things, I like shiny things. Master was smiling at last, good for him! He grabbed Poochie’s leash and gave it to the old weird pony. Why did he do that, he never lets another pony hold us, I thought. Why was he giving Poochie’s leash to a stranger! I growled at her; and tried to jump at her but Master once again pulled me back on my leash. I was led back to the carriage, and locked inside. I scratched at the window, trying desperately to get to Poochie.
Soon Master put Lily and Tom next to me again, he got onto his seat and started to head off. I looked out the window and saw Poochie being led to a really big barn thingy. I looked back at the other two ponies, the small one began to run towards the carriage. She was going really fast, even faster than I go when I see a squirrel! She managed to catch up with the carriage, and shouted at Master. He stopped and went over to the orange pony.
She started to cry, poor thing must have hurt herself on the way here! I know, I can make her feel better, I thought, clambering at the window. Master opened the door, and let me and only me out. I jumped down, and ran over to the small pony. I started to lick her, and she was very happy. She didn’t smell of perfume anymore, but more like the very nice apple pie Master makes.
Master walked over to the weird old pony who was still holding Poochie’s leash. He talked with her a bit, then grabbed Poochie and walked back to the carriage with her. Master put Poochie into the car. I was still licking the orange pony.
I looked up, and the carriage was gone. I like visiting new places; this is my first time I’ve visited a new place all by myself!
not really sure there's much I can say about this... other than I actually quite like it :3 the use of a simple, childish vocabulary is particularly appealing (I'm assuming you used this since it's from the perspective of a puppy), and the story is actually quite engaging: I also like the way you introduce the apple family as 'the little orange pony that smells of perfume, the big pony that smells of sweat, and the weird old pony', though one aspect does confuse me a little... somehow, in the what can only have been a couple of minutes between Winona first meeting AJ and when she goes up to her again a bit later, her smell changes from perfume to apple pie... is this supposed to the time in her backstory where she tried to be a city pony, failed, and went back to being a country pony? if so, this is odd: why would she be smelling of perfume if she was at sweet apple acres, and why within that minute or two did she randomly convert back to smelling of apples? it doesn't really seem to work... but other than that this is quite enjoyable. the chapter pacing still seems a little off, but not too any serious degree, and you have once again shown your incredible talent for turning just about anything depressing, but for once it works; the slightly dark backstory has actually been well implemented, especially in the naive way Winona describes it.
This may well be your best yet. keep up the good work (:
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More